what the Hell is happening?
by nadzuke eno mono
Summary: seriously,I have a Normal life! Its great, I just think theres something off about those new neighbors. why cant my life make actual sense? Its like a badly written fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

I was being chased by bunnies, like, cutesy little Im-so-kawaii-om-nom-nom-desu-bunnies. Only these bunnies were ten times more vicious and running after me like I had just stolen their carrot, which I hadn't. I'd just walked into a cute little meadow thingy and all of a sudden WHAM! The bunnies all turned to look at me, like, simultaneously, and then started jump hopping towards me. Screw chucky, he ain't got nothing on these bunnies! So here I am getting worn out by tiny cute fuzz ball bunnies, seriously getting peeved at the fact that I was afraid of herbivores, but you would be veeery afraid too. So don't judge me, really, don't.

Suddenly my feet can't move.

"Damn you dream cliché!" I raise my fist and shake it at the heavens, threateningly (I hope)

Turned my head and there was the bunnies, stalking towards me, Can bunnies even stalk? Because this was like a jump-hop thing, only it was like really slow.

Then a bunny stood up, and I don't mean like stood on its hind legs like thumper either, but like grew, probably six feet, and looked down at me. Reminds me of Bunnymund from ROTG, he and jack were meant for each other!

Something tickled my leg, I looked down, and it was just a bunny.

Just

A

Bunny

"Aaahhhhhhhhh, Jesus fuck!" and faster than you could say homestuck, I kicked the bunny. Oh my god, I just punted a bunny,

I am truly going to hell

Ой (oh)

Моя (my)

Бог (God)

The giant Bunnymund rabbit thingy, took one step closer to me, I closed my eyes and screamed.

I shot up in my bed and patted the comforter (and my boxer shorts, and my top) for any stowaway bunny-psycho-killers.

Searching, please wait…

No homicidal herbivores have been found.

"I HAVE AWAKENED!" my sister stirred in the bed next to me, Anya you are not Mushu. . .chinese.

What a bitch.

"Stop being so mean to me, soon there will be a surgery to make me so sexily Asian!" some day I really, really hope.

"Sure there will, NOT!" Anna, my sister teased

"Well, we can't all be born in china Anna!" why wasn't I born Chinese or Japanese? I love Asia!

"I know, it's just so sad that you're jealous of me."

Oh no, that bitch didn't.

"I, just…Все станет одним с Россией, да? (You will become one with Russia, yes?)"

"I don't speak Russian Anya."

"It's okay, then. I will teach you muy sistra, you like to learn new things, Da?" that's right, scary Anya had come out, shit was going down.

"Niñas, no se matan entre sí, ¿de acuerdo?  
Volveré pronto, estamos en extrema necesidad de pastas y dulces.( girls, don't kill each other, okay?I'll be back soon, we are in dire need of pasta and candy.)" My mom yelled up the stairs at us.

"que no hablan español! (we dont speak spanish!)" Anna and I Yelled simultaniously, maybe the bunnies are rubbing off on us?

" let me simplify it then, girlies! We need food, I have money, who will help me bring in the grocries for a raise in allowence?"

Anna and I looked at eachother, continue fight when bribed with money not to? Hmmmm, I dont think so Anna, I am so gonna whoop your ass. Even with your crazy fighting skills, you never ever piss off a Rusian, like EVER, Anna needed to learn this lesson.

"I will mom!" Anna chirped, like her voice went so high, it wasnt even human, it was...Birdish. Ew, My ears just got molested by pure preppyness, I think my ears might even be bleeding.

Anna got out of bed and started got dressed, and left our room. I could hear her footsteps disappear, I stuck my head out of the door and listened.

One mississippi,two mississipi,Three Mississippi... i heard the car start, they were gone.

"I GOT THE HOUSE TO MAH SEEEEELF! CRAZY RAVE PARTY!" I screamed doing a tiny dance of pure spaz happiness. Time to dance like no one is watching,.

I put in my mixed tape of music and sat down at my computer, Gangnam style began to play. I looked through my emails, spam, delete,spam,delete,spam,delete,spam.

A headline jumped out at me, THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

Hahahah, silly emails thinking that they can change this amount of pure coolness, psshaw.

I clicked delete. Little did i know that i had just made the biggest mistake of my life, so far (Im only Seventeen!)

I continued to scroll down my inbox, when i saw the same email. Thats funny I thought I deleted it. I shrugged, whatever its not like I havent had the same email sent to me before.

Delete.

It popped up again, no i deleted you,.

Delete.

The new email alert went off, I looked at my inbox, same email.

Delete.

The email stayed in the same place.

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

Nope, that message liked my inbox, like hell it was going to stay there.

The Computer screen went black, then turned on again, then turned off. I poked the on button, it turned on. Probobly just a virus, oh well it doesnt matter i clickd on my inbox, the computer turned off, again.

"Oh, you tease" I said stroking the on button before pushing it.

Nothing changed.

"just turn on, pwease for me?"

Nope

"I will replace you."

The homescreen flashed in again,.

"oh Thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU computer gods!"I squealed.

The screen turned black.

That Bitch, I lifted the computer off of the table, and set it gently on my Bed, I then moved the table into the middle of the room, and promptly flipped it.

" table flip!, i fucking RageQuit!, пошел на хуй, ебать твою мать, и ебать диване! Вы знаете, кто я? Я русский вы не должны выебанная с!( Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your couch! You know who I am? I'm the Russian you should NOT have fucked with!)

I sighed, was this my life now? Yelling at a table, and saying someone should fuck its couch? DO TABLES EVEN HAVE COUCHES? DO THEY?

The answer is still unknown to me, because before could yell at the table again. The song came on, not a song but the song. You know what I'm talking about, Rasputin, the song by Boney M, the epicest song, like, EVAR.

So I stopped what I was doing, then I dropped, and rolled on the floor, then I stood up again and started spazzing.

"dah duh duh duh duh, dah dda da duh." I sang, trying to copy the introduction of the song, moving my hips, shaking my head, clapping my hands to the beat, loving the guitar solo. "Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!" I yelled along with the song

" He could read the bible like a preacher, full of ecstasy and fire… he was also the kind of teacher women could desire, ra ra Rasputin lover of the Russian queen, that was a cat really was goooone" I gasped for air, and giggled still dancing.

" Ra Ra Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine, It was a shame how he carried oooooooooon!-" the door bell ringing drowned out the song, I just turned the music up higher, its not like anyone could hear it, everyone was old on my street. Mom is a nurse who takes care of the older folks, really nice lady, that's why she adopted Anna and me, I guess. The door bell didn't stop ringing, so I turned up the music, assholes, I'm listening to Rasputin! "She believed he was a holy dealer who could heal her son.-"I sang, but was then cut off by the FUCKING DOOR BELL!

I turned off the music, adjusted the boxers I was wearing (don't judge they are sooo much more comfortable than a thong) and then pulled my shirt down, because it was bunching around my boobs. Goddam C cups I hate thou, or is it thee?

I was at the top of the stairs, when I finally deemed my self presentable, I wasn't wearing a bra, but it didn't matter half the old people on our street were vision impaired.

So I flounced down the stairs like a ballerina, then I tripped, and decided just to walk like an average person.

I fell, again, stupid stair death traps!

Finally I reached the front door and opened it to find a very short man with blond hair ad green eyes.

"Yes, how may I help you?" I asked, maybe I was kind of snarky, but he disrupted my music.

"Could you please turn down that racket? You are disturbing my friends and I." the man said in a posh British accent.

"Racket? Broski, There is no racket in this house, just music." I airily replied inspecting my nails. "So lucky the leprechaun, just take your lucky charms, and please GET THE FUCK OFF MY PORCH!"

"Madam! Such fouls language is not proper-"I cut him off.

"The 1900s called they want your manners back" Oh my god can someone's face get that red? That's not a normal color.

"Listen you stupid American idiot, I merely want that racket turned down-"

"Its already off stupid ass" His face started turning purple

" you stupid Bitch, you are rude and sloppily dressed, I would be ashamed to be associated with you, your manners are shit and you look like a five dollar whore, I came down to be civil and maybe even become friends, in closing FUCK YOU!" he yelled and stormed away from my house. Whoa, that was intense, and far from over. I followed him down the street to his house it looks like a cute quaint place, with a nice garden full of Roses , pity I crushed all of them. I walked to the front door, and promptly kicked the motherfucking door DOWN.


	2. Chapter 2

Murderous rage ACTIVATE!

"Где, черт возьми этого ублюдка? Где же он?( WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BASTARD? Where is he?)" I yelled, he thinks he can run away? Fuck THAT!

A guy ran up to me furious "what the hell Dude? Not cool, that's was my door!"

"где эта сволочь? (Where is that bastard?)" I growled, my chest heaving.

The man paused and squinted at me for a minute, " your Russian?" he paused and yelled " YO ARTIE! How and why the hell did you piss off a Russian?" he smiled at me

"Привет, я Альфред! Кто вы? (Hi, I'm Alfred! Who are you?)" I blinked, he knows Russian? Niiice, this American Guy was pretty cool.

"Hi Alfred I'm Anya, the English bastard just pissed me off, no biggie."

I just get into a psycho rage that I can't control some times. I left that part out of course.

"Well I'm sorry about Artie; he's a bit of an ass at times!" I could practically see the sparkles radiating from him. "Artie you have a guest!" I heard a stomping noise, and the Englishman appeared.

"Oh, its you." he stated. What, no kiss? No hand shake? Asshole.

I looked around the hallway, my eyes rested on a table that had a vase. I grabbed the vase, and bashed it against Artie's head, he crumpled. I gathered spit in my mouth and spat in him. Or tried to, it just kind of dangled from my mouth.

EW. Fail much?

Alfred apparently didn't like that I had jut literally broken a vase over his bro's head, Karate chopped my hand, like legit, karate chopped my hand. Who even does that?

I dropped the vase on the floor, where it shattered even more.

Alfred, not even missing a beat, grabbed both my arms and kept them nailed to my back; did this guy know Kung fu? I tried to move my arms, nope Dude had a grip like iron, did he bench press trains or something?

"WE HAVE A SITUATION HERE, FRANCE HELP ME OUT!"

A ma with shoulder length blonde hair and a rose in his mouth appeared out of no where.

"You called?"

"Yeah dude, crazy chick here totally went bar fight crazy and broke a vase over England's head." He blond guy nodded

"I will get mon ami to a safer place." There's a Frenchman here too? Wow, how many others are here? Alfred Relaxed his grip " thanks dude."

"ohhonhonhonhon, a chance to be with an unconscious Angleterre? No problème

I head butted Alfred with the back of my head, he let go off me to grab his nose.

I ran, faster than an italian scenting pasta, or danger. I really didnt expect a short asian man to block my exit, like that was the last thing I wouldve thought .

So I did what any Asian obsessed person would do,I hugged him, Hard. "Aiyah! Get off me Aru!" he struggled. "I can't breathe Aru!"

"Dude! She's strangling china with her boobs!" America Yelled. I hugged harder and let him go, cute little Asian guy! I didn't expect him to pull out a wok, and I didn't think he was gonna hit me with it, buut he did. Black clouded my vision, but did I pass out? Nope Russian rage fueled me; I was angry, and extremely pumped. I wrapped my arms around the Chinese mans waist, and arched my back, successfully suplexing the poor sod.

No one fucks with a Russian, not even the cute Chinese guy. "Yao!" Alfred yelled was he moving in slow motion, is that even possible?

Why is everyone so dramatic? It's like we're in an anime!

What happened next scared me shitless, everything went silent. I turned around and froze; behind me was the tallest guy I had ever seen. He was creepy, this whole situation was confusing, I was standing over an unconscious Asian, and Mr. Purple eyes was SMILING, and holding a pipe that holds a pipe, really, a pipe? Where did he get that?

"Привет (hello)"he whispered, I saw the pipe swing down. "FUCK! THAT HURT, YOU ASS!" I yelled, clutching my head. Crazy-purple-eyed-pipe-guy-smiled, and in that creepy whisper he murmured "до свидания (goodbye)" He swung the pipe down again.

"Перестань! (stop that!)" I cried, whimpering. I think I'm concussed, like ow...my head.

I stumbled towards the door, but I fell to my knees, goddam klutziness!

Alfred ran to my side, "what the hell Russia, She's a human!"

Russia, China, France? I'm so confused right now, not even funny, nope.

Like Orihime Inoue, I reject this reality.

I'm so cold, and confused, and cold (did I mention that?)

"I can't feel my legs, Is that normal?" I looked to Alfred "Is it?" He shook his head

"No, but you are one crazy Russian dude, Anya" he chuckled.

"I just bludgeoned your bro, and your comforting me?"

"I think you mean boyfriend" Alfred corrected

"whatevr Broski, I dun not judge." I smiled, and looked over his shoulder "Is that a flying green BUNNY?" I felt my heart beat quicken, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

And with that my friends I fainted, like a true Russian Boss.


End file.
